Tuesday, July 8, 2014

My take on "Dating Masculine Women Is Not the Same as Dating Men"

I have a history of dating men, I even married one 14 years ago.  Since then, I had an opportunity to finally be myself and I took it.  When I came out and started dating Erin, I did hear a few people question why was I dating a woman who looks "masculine" . . . why not just date another man?  I know this idea seems logical for some people, but these may be the same people who are ignorant about gender and sexual expression, identity, etc.

The other day I  saw a great article on Facebook from  Huffington Post, "Dating Masculine Women Is Not the Same as Dating Men."  It was a great article that clearly discussed the difference between the concepts of gender identity, sexual orientation and sexual and gender expression.  

These concepts, along with others are sometimes hard for people to understand.  I have taught about  Human Sexuality for over two decades and when I break it all down, my students seem to get it . . . well, most of them.  One of the concepts I cover in class is how psychological androgyny is a positive thing, possessing both feminine and masculine traits, regardless of gender.

While I loved the read, I really do think  did a great job, I'm sure many in the "mainstream" were left still wondering how/why Dating Masculine Women is different than men.  Like any subject, I think if you ask women who date "masculine" women, some of our answers will be similar and some will vary . . . making it very subjective.

I will try to break it down as simple as I can . . . 

There are several things I find attractive about my wife, Erin.  Some are masculine, some are feminine, and not all are physical.  Here we go . . .

Her sense of humor is inline with my own.  She is one of the funniest people I've ever met. She makes me laugh more than anyone, ever.

Her eyes and smile are to die for.

Her short hair is incredibly sexy.  I love it. When I see pictures of her from high school (pre-coming out) with long hair, she is adorable but with her short "masculine" hair? Hot! HOT! HOT!!

She doesn't just dress like a boy, she makes dressing like a boy look good.  Real Good.  I've seen her in more feminine clothing and it's not her.  We will sometimes do "fashion shows" for our kids (she puts on my skirts, purses, & make-up) and we all die laughing. 

Leah is right.  Erin looks so much hotter in boy clothes than girl clothes.  Don't get me started on her belt.  The sight of her taking off her belt, sends me over the edge!  Oh and I had no idea how great she'd look in boxer briefs. Gesh!!!!

Erin is a baller ;)  She played Basketball in high school like I did . . . but was a lot better! She played in college and even got a full ride.  How hot is that?!  We've coached our childrens' basketball teams before and will again (even hotter) . . .

and when we play basketball outside with the kids, she'll sink three pointer after three pointer. Umm . . . Bedtime, everyone!

And when she turns her baseball hat around, mmmmmmmm.

We share power/control in all aspects of our relationship but I love it when she gets all aggressive and takes control of certain situations. Yes. I. Do.

I also love it when she pretends/jokes to be more "butch" than she is . . . voice change and nose sniff included.

She also smells sooooooooooo good in her Jean Paul Gaultier cologne.  Way better than any man. And knowing that I love it, she'll spray it on my pillow or a shirt to pack with me, when I'm traveling.

I realize that Erin dresses and presents more masculine, but there are several more feminine traits she has that I love as well.

Erin is a great communicator.  From the very beginning I have known where we were and where we here headed.  When we have any issues, we discuss them openly and honestly.  At the same time, she leaves me notes, text, messages, emails, and tells me numerous times everyday what I mean to her and how much she loves me (and the family we have created).  Not quite a stereotypical masculine trait.

I think it's funny when servers call her "sir" . . . I think to myself, how in the Hell do you think she's a man?  Yes she has short hair and dresses like a boy, but her eyes, smile, pretty much her entire face is feminine.  Maybe the no make-up thing throws them?  And then of course, a major feminine feature . . . she's also smuggling some big breasts.  Even with a baggy shirt, it's pretty obvious that she's packing . . .  boobs.  

Erin freaks out over spiders and most bugs (flying or otherwise) in the house.  She gives me the chance to be the protector, and I love it!  Vulnerability can be pretty damn sexy.

Erin is also the softest person I've ever felt.  Her legs, arms, hands, entire body is like a Jergens' commercial.  Never in my wildest dreams did I realize soft was so sexy. 

She knows things about the female body (since she has one) that is very useful.  Trying to keep it PG here, so you'll have to let your mind wander on this one.

One of the most attractive things to me about Erin is that she's a great mom and wife.  She is helpful, loving, caring, and puts our kids' needs above her own.  She is constantly doing things for them and me and seeing someone love her kids (and mine) is sexy as Hell.  Also sexy . . . helping cook, clean, do laundry without being asked . . .  teamwork is HOT!

And empathy is sexy.  She gets it.  She really gets it.  The pressures that women have (society or self-induced) about being a good wife, a great mother, etc. She gets it. She totally understands what it is like to go through this world as a female. That, in itself, is truly amazing.

There are so many other things I'd love to share, but again, trying to keep it PG.  

Of course there may be some men who have some of this too, I never dated/married them, but there are just some masculine traits that are a lot hotter on women then men.  Again, goes back to me not being as attracted to those traits on men.  

At the end of Anita's article there was a slideshow on "Stylish Women Wearing 'masculine' Attire" and it was like porn to me. Men wearing those same outfits, YAWN!

So to summarize, in my own experience, Dating Erin (a "masculine woman") is not the same as dating men.  She has the perfect amount of masculine and feminine traits . . .  all wrapped up in a perfect package, just for me.  Double the boobs, "penis" on the side (Hey, now!)   ;)


  1. Loved this Kelly. I often wondered about all the things you discussed and knowing you, I see it all clearly. Love you and your family. So happy you are so happy.

  2. Thanks for the perspective. I've always been an ally for LGBT people/families. Hell, my best friend is gay, and I named my first born after him. At the same time, I DID always wonder why a man would go for a very feminine man but not be attracted to women, or visa versa. This was well wrote and I loved what you expressed. It actually makes sense. The perfect combination of the things you like best :) XX